Craig and I had the privilege of speaking in sacrament today for Mother's Day. I felt impressed to speak about birth mother's. As I was preparing my talk I cried quite a bit...and when I gave my talk, I cried even more. Our birth mother Jen has been a huge blessing in our lives, and we owe so much to her for the gift that she gave us. I wanted to recognize her and the other birth mother's for the great sacrifice they have made for making us the mother's we are today. We love you Jen.
Mother's day is a time of celebration and a day to honor all those who have molded and shaped our lives. Whether they be our mother, grandmother, great grandmother, or mother-in-law. But there is also another special type of mother I would like to recognize this day, and that is birth mothers. I feel overcome with great humility and gratitude in my heart to be able to speak to you at such a time. This is a topic so dear to my heart as I have recently become a mother through the wonderful blessing of adoption. The story of how our baby girl came into our lives is one I will always remember, and one her birth mother will never forget.
Since the time I can remember, I have always wanted to be a mother. I took every opportunity I could to spend time with my nieces and nephews, and waited for the day that I could call a child my own. When my time came I thought I had everything planned out in my life, and straight and narrow was the course. I would be married in the temple for all eternity to a man I loved, raise strong children in the gospel, and grow old with my family. The day I married Craig was a joyous occasion and day of celebration. It marked the day I began my own forever family. As time moved forward, the urgency I felt to begin adding upon our family more than consumed me. One year went by, two years, three, and then four. My whole heart and soul longed for a child, and instead I was left with the aching throb of the emptiness I felt within me. After seeking the help of doctors, and going through painful procedures, it was still unknown as to why I could not have children. Throughout this time, I would spend many nights crying myself to sleep while my husband could do nothing but hold me and try to console my pain. I was tired of hoping for something that might not happen, and tried to convince myself to accept the fact that I may never be a mother.
And so it goes, we make plans in our lives, but sometimes the Lord has another. Craig and I had always talked of adopting one day, and a few summers back we had adoption papers in hand. But for some reason unknown to me at the time, I felt that we should hold off on turning them in. I couldn't understand such an answer as I had already waited long enough for a child, and we had been told that sometimes it could take a year or more before a baby could be placed in your home. I knew there was a baby girl who was supposed to be in our family, and I tried to wait patiently for that time to come. After much prayer and consideration we finally received the answer I had been waiting for. In May of 2009 Craig and I applied for adoption and were approved two months later. On Sept. 1st we received an email from a birth mother who was due in December with a baby girl. Her name was Jen, and little did we know how much she was going to change our lives. Exactly one month later she announced that she was going to place her baby with us. During the next months ahead, I watched as Jen's belly grew bigger, along with the love I had for her. She was going to give me something that no one else could give. She was giving me the gift of being a mother.
A few nights before Elizabeth was born, Craig and I attended a performance of "The Forgotten Carols". One song in particular struck me so deeply with the message it conveyed that it brought me to tears. For those of you who know this beautiful music, you will recognize the following lyrics:
"All I ever wanted, all I ever dreamed of, everything I hoped and all the things I prayed for, couldn't hold a candle to what I've been given, I've been given what I need. Even when I didn't understand, when I thought you had no heart. Thank you for rejecting my demands, and always giving me the better part."
On December 13th, 2009 Craig and I began our journey on a rainy Sunday morning to the hospital to pick up our baby girl who had just been born two days earlier and bring her home. We both knew that the day ahead would bring tears of pain, tears of sorrow, but also tears of joy. Upon arrival we met with our caseworker while Jen spent time with Elizabeth, holding her, rocking her, and saying her goodbyes. After all necessary papers had been signed, we entered Jen's room and upon seeing her holding Elizabeth with tears in her eyes, my heart swelled with the love for the mother who stood before me. With this act of love, I was aware that a birth mother is one who puts the needs of her child above the wants of her heart. As to those who asked Jen why she would give up her child, she would always reply, "I'm not giving up my child, I'm giving her something better." When the time came for Jen to place Elizabeth in my arms, I was softly reminded of the words she had once spoken to me, "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours." Many tears were shed and warm embraces shared when we said goodbye that day. After Jen had gathered her belongings, I watched as she walked down the hall with her parents by her side, never looking back. The sacrifice she had made that day was greater than any I had ever known. I looked down at the miracle I held, and felt my husband's love surround me. I cried and thought to myself, "My arms are empty no more."
Motherhood has been everything I have ever hoped for and more. It is not easy, but I would not have it any other way. As I look upon my daughter each day, I'm reminded of Jen and the sacrifice that she made. I recently came across an article entitled "My Daughter's Choice" from the December 2004 Ensign. It is about a father of a birth mother, and his experience of watching his daughter and the difficult decision that she made. It touched me deeply as it brought back memories of my last day in the hospital with Jen, and I would like to share a few excerpts with you:
When my daughter discovered she was expecting, she was dismayed to realize that her path to repentance and forgiveness was going to require a great sacrifice. She determined to carry the baby to term and place it for adoption with a worthy couple through LDS Family Services. When she broke the news of her pregnancy to my wife and me, we were extremely saddened by the choices she had made that brought her to this point. Nevertheless, her commitment to place the baby for adoption and her desire to change gave us hope that she might at last come back and partake of the blessings of the gospel. As she worked with LDS Family Services to choose an adoptive family, she scanned through the applicants’ profiles and was instantly drawn to a particular couple. She felt a confirmation of the Holy Ghost that this was the couple who would lovingly raise this baby. During this time, she worked hard at reading her scriptures daily and offering fervent prayers that included her pleas for forgiveness. Finally the day arrived when the baby would be born. Now the time began that would be most difficult for us all and particularly heartrending for our daughter. That day she asked me to write a letter that could be given to this child at some future time by his parents, if they so chose. This is some of what I wrote:
“Dear Grandson,
“I write this letter not knowing if or when you might read these words. I’m sitting at a table while close by your birth mother is rocking you in her arms. Tomorrow she will lay you in the arms of your adoptive mother and father, to whom you will be sealed in the temple of our God. This will be the hardest thing your birth mother has ever done. I know because I see the love that she has for you. She loves you so much that she is willing to make this sacrifice in order that you might be brought up now by a wonderful couple with the blessings that a temple sealing can bring.”
“This decision was made entirely on her own. ‘Why?’ you might ask. Because she knew in her heart that there were some things that she could not yet give you. She could, of course, provide you with food and shelter. Nevertheless, she could not give you a father worthy to raise you. She could not give you the blessings of the temple covenant, as your parents will be able to do. “So, while she could have given you love, she loved you enough to give you more. This is the difference between a selfish love and a godly love. …“I sincerely hope that you appreciate the love of your parents and the love of a birth mother whom I am blessed to know as a daughter. I know that tomorrow will break her heart, realizing that she may not see you again in this earth life. I also know that she has the strength to do so because of the Holy Spirit, which will sustain her, and the knowledge she has of the wonderful couple into whose arms she will place you tomorrow.”
As I finished the letter, I signed it,
“Love,
“Your Other Grandfather.”
The day after I wrote this letter, we traveled with heavy hearts to the place where we would see this child for possibly the last time in this life. While we waited to meet the adoptive couple—my daughter had met them before—we sat in almost total silence. I wondered if she had the strength to complete this great sacrifice. I watched her as she gazed into the baby’s eyes; she was almost too choked up to talk. Her mother and I could hardly bear to watch. Finally it was time for us to walk into the room where the adoptive couple waited. Instantly their eyes were drawn to the baby, and tears began to flow. I felt at peace as I watched them hug our daughter. When she placed the baby into the arms of the adoptive mother, my heart went out to my daughter, and I could’t decide whether to weep for the pain I knew this was causing her or for the joy this sweet couple was feeling. In the end, the Spirit gave great comfort to my daughter, my wife, and me. We knew that God had accepted this sacrifice, that this child would be greatly loved, and that this was in accordance with the will of our Father in Heaven.
An adoptive couple once said, "We believe birth mother's have a right to choose, if she has the courage to place, she has the wisdom and right to choose her child's parents. Our daughters birth mother is her first Mother." And so it goes with our daughter Elizabeth, Jen will always be her first mother. And as my daughter grows, I will always help her remember, "Never never never will she stop loving you". I would like to close my talk with a special poem that was given to us on the day our birth mother announced to our families that she would be placing her baby girl with us.
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.
One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you the seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.
Two different lives shaped
To make your one;
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
The first gave you life,
The second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love,
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you up,
It was all she could do.
The other prayed for a child,
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me through your tears,
The age old question through the years;
Heredity or Environment,
Which are you a product of?
Neither my darling, neither;
Just two different kinds of love.
May we all remember the true gift of this day. It is not in the flowers we receive, or the cards we may read. The best gift we could receive is one we already have; and that is being a mother.
And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
